Humor
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman.
After a perfect courtship,they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?
A lawyer defending a man convicted of burglary tried this creative appeal:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied.
"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The gavel hit the bench with a thud.
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the table, and walked out.
The husband said:
"The last fight was my fault.
My wife asked what's on TV and I said dust."
A man and his wife are out on the town one evening.
Seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror, he pulls to the side of the road.
A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says: What's the problem officer?
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh Harry, You were going at least 80.
[The man gives wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light.
Wife: Harry you've known about that tail light for weeks.
[The man gives his wife dirty look.}
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh,I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
Man turns to his wife and yells: FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD, CAN'T YOU JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
She asks his name and the frog says his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's okay, he knows the manager.
Patty explains that $30,000. is a substantial amount of money and that he will need some collateral against the loan.
She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says,
"There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000.
He wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant and says: "I mean, what the heck is this?"
So the bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
After a perfect courtship,they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?
- Answer: The perfect woman.
She's the only one that really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus
and there is no such thing as a perfect man... * A Male's Response * - So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving.
This explains why there was a car accident!
A lawyer defending a man convicted of burglary tried this creative appeal:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied.
"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The gavel hit the bench with a thud.
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the table, and walked out.
The husband said:
"The last fight was my fault.
My wife asked what's on TV and I said dust."
A man and his wife are out on the town one evening.
Seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror, he pulls to the side of the road.
A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says: What's the problem officer?
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh Harry, You were going at least 80.
[The man gives wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light.
Wife: Harry you've known about that tail light for weeks.
[The man gives his wife dirty look.}
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh,I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
Man turns to his wife and yells: FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD, CAN'T YOU JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
She asks his name and the frog says his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's okay, he knows the manager.
Patty explains that $30,000. is a substantial amount of money and that he will need some collateral against the loan.
She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says,
"There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000.
He wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant and says: "I mean, what the heck is this?"
So the bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
